As a couples therapist, a lot of couples come to see me for marriage counseling, hoping to reduce conflict in their relationships and asking me how to stop arguments in a relationship.
A common misconception is that fighting in a relationship is abnormal or that they fight too much.
However, conflict is not always a bad thing, especially when it arises from disagreements, which are a natural part of any relationship.
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People disagree when they don't have the same thoughts, opinions and beliefs as another, and this causes us to feel anxious and separate from the person we care about. Often it's this anxiety that starts fights between two people who can't figure out why they're feeling anxious. However, two people from different backgrounds are bound to disagree sometimes, and we have to have some difficult conversations to move forward in a healthy way. Constant fighting in a relationship, however, can be a sign of serious relationship problems and can have detrimental effects on mental health.
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Understanding How to Stop Arguments In Relationships
Couples argue for various reasons, and while the occasional argument is normal when they quickly escalate into conflict, it can be a sign that more help is needed.
To address this, I’ve developed a powerful five-part framework called SHARP, which eliminates disagreements and, more importantly, prevents them from turning into conflict or the dreaded Blame Game.
The SHARP framework helps provide a framework for a healthy argument and stops it from escalating into more serious conflicts by identifying the specific type of conflict. When couples start to understand the root cause of their disagreements, they can address the issue directly rather than letting it fester and grow.
For example, a disagreement about who should take out the trash (Schedule) can quickly spiral into personal attacks if not addressed properly. The SHARP framework encourages couples to keep the focus on the task at hand, preventing the argument from becoming a critique of each other’s character.
Understanding the Blame Game
One of the most common and destructive patterns in relationship conflicts is the Blame Game. Completely withdrawing from a conflict can lead to anger, fear, and habitual arguments, making it crucial to recognize and deal with these patterns to avoid conflicts.
The Blame Game occurs when partners start to assign fault to each other for problems or disagreements. Instead of working together to find a solution, they focus on defending themselves and accusing their partner. This cycle of blame can escalate conflicts, making it harder to resolve issues and damaging the relationship over time. Understanding and acknowledging a partner's emotional state is essential for healthy resolution and productive conflict.
In healthy relationships, we accept responsibility for our actions and behaviors.
Understanding Your Partner's Point: How the Blame Game Works
The Blame Game typically starts when one person feels hurt, frustrated, or stressed and begins to blame the other for their emotions or the situation at hand, often leading to a fight. For example, if one person feels overwhelmed by household chores, they might say, “You never help around the house,” instead of expressing their need for more support. This accusation puts the other partner on the defensive, prompting them to respond with their own accusations, such as, “Well, you never appreciate what I do.”
This back-and-forth blame can quickly escalate, with both partners feeling attacked and misunderstood. As each partner defends themselves and tries to shift the blame, the original issue gets lost in a sea of accusations and counter-accusations. The result is a cycle of negativity that undermines trust and intimacy.
Why the Blame Game is Harmful
Escalates Conflict: The Blame Game turns a disagreement into heated arguments. Instead of focusing on resolving the issue, partners become more concerned with defending themselves and attacking the other.
Damages Trust: Constant blame erodes trust between partners. When blame is a regular part of conflicts, it creates an atmosphere of defensiveness and suspicion, making it harder to build a strong, trusting relationship. This ongoing blame can also negatively impact mental health, leading to increased stress and anxiety.
Shifts Focus from Solutions: The Blame Game focuses on fault-finding rather than problem-solving. This shift in focus prevents couples from working together to address the root causes of their conflicts.
Hinders Communication: Blame shuts down open communication. When partners feel blamed, they are less likely to share their true feelings and needs, leading to further misunderstandings and disconnection.
Breaking the Blame Game Cycle
To break free from the Blame Game, couples need to shift their focus from blame to understanding and cooperation. Here are some strategies to help:
Understand What You’re Fighting About:
Take Responsibility: Each partner should take responsibility for their actions and feelings. Instead of blaming your partner, acknowledge your role in the conflict and express your feelings using “I” statements. For example, say, “I feel overwhelmed by the chores and could use some help,” instead of, “You never help around the house.”
Listen Actively: Make an effort to listen to your partner’s perspective without interrupting or getting defensive. Show empathy and try to understand their feelings and needs. Understanding other's perspectives is crucial for resolving conflicts healthily. It helps in recognizing and valuing your significant other's point of view, which can lead to more effective communication and resolution.
Focus on Solutions: Shift the focus from assigning blame to finding solutions. Work together to address the root cause of the conflict and develop a plan to prevent similar issues in the future.
Practice Self-Reflection: Reflect on your own behavior and consider how it might contribute to the conflict. This self-awareness can help you approach disagreements more constructively.
Seek Professional Help: If the Blame Game has become a regular pattern in your relationship, consider seeking the help of a couples therapist. A therapist can provide guidance and support to help you break the cycle and build healthier communication habits.
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The SHARP Framework Breakdown
The SHARP Framework can be broken down as follows.
S - Schedule:
This represents the specific tasks or responsibilities at the root of a conflict.
Schedule conflict can occur when there is a lack of clarity about who is doing what and when. For example, if one partner believes it is their turn to take out the trash, but the other partner believes it is their turn, this can lead to a conflict.
To resolve this, it’s essential to have a clear and agreed-upon schedule that both partners can refer to. This could involve setting up a shared calendar or using a task management app to assign and track responsibilities. Regularly reviewing and updating the schedule can also help ensure that both partners are on the same page. Learning how to communicate effectively and in a healthy way can make the relationship stronger, especially during disagreements.
“You said you were going to give the baby a bath this morning.”
Imagine you and your partner have a rotating schedule for who bathes the baby, but there’s been a misunderstanding about whose turn it is today. One partner feels overburdened because they believe the other isn’t adhering to the agreed-upon schedule.
Solution: Clearly define and communicate responsibilities. Create a shared calendar or task list to keep track of who is responsible for which tasks and when they need to be done. This way, both partners have a visual reminder and can avoid miscommunications.
H - How:
This symbolizes the various ways a task can be completed and reflects disagreements on methods or processes. Process conflicts occur when partners disagree on the correct way to perform a task. When diving deeper into a How conflict, it’s important to recognize that each partner brings their own set of experiences and preferences to the relationship.
These differences can lead to disagreements about the best way to do things. For example, one partner may prefer to fold laundry immediately after it comes out of the dryer, while the other prefers to leave it in a basket until later. To resolve this type of conflict, partners should communicate openly about their preferences and work together to find a compromise. This might involve taking turns doing things each other’s way or finding a new method that both partners can agree on.
“That’s not how you give the baby a bath; you have to put bubbles in.”
One partner believes the baby bath should include bubbles, while the other thinks a quick rinse is sufficient. This disagreement on methods can lead to frustration and feelings of being undermined or criticized.
Solution: Discuss and respect each other’s methods. Understand that different backgrounds and experiences lead to varying approaches. Try to find a compromise or accept that there might be multiple ways to achieve the same goal. For instance, you could alternate methods or decide on a unified approach that incorporates elements of both preferences. Choose your words carefully to prevent worsening the situation and to communicate more effectively.
A - Authority
Authority conflicts can be more subtle and complex. They often stem from longstanding patterns and expectations within the relationship.
We naturally and unconsciously fall into roles and patterns in relationships, for example, one partner may always handle finances, while the other takes care of household chores. Over time, these roles can become entrenched, especially when the roles feel right or we don’t have issues with them.
Leading to feelings of powerlessness or resentment. To address this, it’s important to have regular check-ins to discuss how each partner feels about their roles and whether they would like to make any changes. This ongoing dialogue can help ensure that both partners feel empowered and valued.
“Am I always the one giving the baby a bath?”
One partner consistently takes on the responsibility of bathing the baby, while the other seldom does. Over time, this imbalance can lead to feelings of resentment and unfairness.
Solution: Regularly reassess and discuss roles and responsibilities. Ensure that both partners feel their contributions are valued and that they have an equal say in decision-making. Rotate roles periodically to prevent one partner from feeling overwhelmed or undervalued. Additionally, consider the partner's point to understand their perspective and emotional needs, fostering empathy and cooperation.
R - Restlessness
This depicts the underlying anxieties or uncertainties that often fuel conflict. Restlessness conflicts arise when there are deeper emotional issues or anxieties that are not being addressed. For instance, one partner may feel anxious about the future of the relationship but express this anxiety through irritability about minor tasks. To resolve this type of conflict, it’s crucial to engage in self-reflection and identify the root cause of the anxiety. Once identified, partners should communicate openly and honestly about their feelings and work together to address the underlying issues. This might involve seeking therapy, engaging in activities that promote connection, or simply spending more quality time together.
“It’s not about the task; it’s about something deeper. You don’t spend any time with the baby or me because you’re always working.”
A partner’s anxiety about the lack of quality time together manifests as irritation over tasks, such as bathing the baby. The real issue is not the task itself but the feeling of disconnection and neglect.
Solution: Engage in self-reflection to identify underlying anxieties and communicate these feelings openly with your partner. Instead of focusing on the immediate disagreement, discuss the deeper emotional needs and work together to address them. For example, schedule regular quality time to reconnect and strengthen your bond.
P- Personal Attacks and Partner's Feelings
These conflicts have crossed the line from being about a topic to being weaponized and aimed at causing pain and hurt. Personal conflicts are the most damaging type of conflict because they involve attacks on a partner’s character and self-worth. These conflicts often start with a minor disagreement but quickly escalate into hurtful and damaging exchanges.
For example, a disagreement about how to handle a household task might escalate into accusations about a partner’s overall competence or worthiness. To address personal conflicts, it’s important to recognize when a disagreement has crossed this line and take steps to de-escalate the situation. This might involve taking a break from the conversation, reflecting on the real issues at hand, and approaching the relationship conversation with empathy and a focus on finding a resolution.
It is crucial to differentiate between unhealthy fighting and healthy arguments. The latter involves assertive, clear, and open conversations where partners have differing perspectives, while unhealthy fighting is characterized by aggression, stubbornness, unfair tactics, and hurtful behavior. Certain behaviors, such as name-calling during an argument or engaging in aggressive, stubborn, and closed-off behaviors, are not something that should be part of a healthy relationship. These cause the other person to completely withdraw from the conversation and the relationship.
“I can’t believe you gave the baby a bath like that. What is wrong with you?”
A disagreement about how to bathe the baby spirals into personal attacks and insults, damaging trust and intimacy. The conflict is no longer about the task but about hurting the other person.
Solution: Stop fighting as soon as you recognize when a conflict has become personal and take a break to cool down. Reflect on the real issues at hand and approach the conversation with empathy and a focus on resolving the core problem in a healthy way and finding a common ground. Avoid making hurtful comments and instead express your feelings constructively.
Effective Communication Skills in Healthy Relationships
Healthy and good relationships use communication skills that we just not taught in high school, instead we often repeat the bad habits our parents exhibited when we were children.
Listen actively: Pay attention to your partner’s words without interrupting to make your partner feel heard. More on Active Listening Skills here.
Express feelings: Use “I” statements to convey emotions instead of blaming.
Empathize: Spend time trying to understand your partner’s perspective, even if you disagree.
Avoid defensiveness: Stay open-minded and refrain from becoming defensive during discussions.
The healthiest relationships often involve effective arguing, where both parties aim to understand and resolve issues rather than fight unproductively.
Communication breakdowns happen when there's a lack of understanding and empathy. It is crucial for couples to listen actively, express their feelings in a non-confrontational manner, and empathize with each other’s point of view. By avoiding defensiveness and staying open-minded, partners can foster effective communication that leads to resolution rather than escalation.
In relationships, arguments happen often and can be diffused by addressing underlying issues through honest and respectful communication. By practicing active listening, expressing emotions clearly, showing empathy towards one another, and avoiding defensive behaviors, couples can create a foundation for healthy arguments that strengthen their bond rather than drive them apart.
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