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The Full Story
What Is Emotional Intimacy?
How To Get More & Why Your Relationship Needs It
A lack of emotional intimacy is one of the most common issues I see in couples therapy, the loss of connection people feel contributes to stress levels and can create significant inner turmoil for an individual's mental health as well as their marital satisfaction.
If this is something you're looking for help with, I provide marriage counseling in person in Los Angeles and can also provide online therapy. My team of couples counselors offer a range of intensive couples therapy packages as well as weekly couples sessions either in person or online therapy.
What Is Emotional Intimacy? A Clear, Expert Definition
Emotional intimacy is the feeling of deep closeness that comes when two people feel safe enough to share their inner worlds with each other.
It goes beyond physical closeness or spending time together. Emotional intimacy means you can share your real feelings, fears, and needs without worrying about judgment. It requires trust, honest communication, and the ability to listen without defensiveness. When emotional intimacy is present, both people feel understood and accepted as they are.
"A relationship without emotional intimacy can function well on the surface, but partners often feel more like roommates than true companions," Oliver Drakeford, Licensed Marriag & Family Therapist.
Signs that emotional intimacy is present in a relationship include:
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You feel comfortable sharing difficult emotions, not just positive ones
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Your partner responds with curiosity rather than criticism when you open up
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You feel heard and understood, even when you disagree
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You can be vulnerable without fearing it will be used against you later
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There is a sense of safety that allows both people to be themselves
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Understanding what emotional intimacy actually means is a helpful first step if you want to strengthen your connection or figure out what feels missing in your relationship.
If you want practical guidance on building this kind of closeness, Words That Work: An Emotional Intimacy Workbook offers scripts and exercises designed to help couples have conversations that create real connection.
The C.A.R.E. & Intimacy Quiz is a relationship health check designed to reveal where your connection is strong—and where it may be quietly eroding. It's not an official mental health assessment by any means but does give insight into emotional connection psychology and connection. Based on responses from over 700 couples, the quiz measures four dimensions that research shows matter most: Communication (can you express your needs and feel heard?), Affection (do you feel emotionally close or like roommates?), Resolution (can you navigate conflict without damage?), and Equilibrium (does your relationship feel balanced and fair?).
In just a few minutes, you'll receive a personalized breakdown of your scores across all four areas, along with insights into the patterns that may be helping—or hurting—your intimacy. It's not about labelling your relationship as good or bad. It's about seeing clearly, so you can decide what to do next.
The Emotional Intimacy Quiz For Couples
The Data & Research On Emotional Intimacy
When analysing data from the C.A.R.E. & Intimacy Quiz, we isolated patterns related to emotional intimacy by grouping 742 respondents into tiers based on their Affection scores—the dimension measuring emotional closeness.
We then systematically compared response patterns between the highest and lowest tiers, calculating the gaps and multipliers that revealed which factors most strongly predicted whether a couple was thriving or struggling.
Emotional Intimacy
Couples who feel "very connected" are 77× more likely to have thriving intimacy than those who feel disconnected.
Among disconnected couples, just 1% scored in the top tier—while 61% were in the lowest.
Lisetening and Connection
Couples who feel truly heard by their partner are 16× more likely to have strong intimacy than those who say it's "like talking to a wall." When partners stop listening, connection doesn't just weaken—it collapses.
Togetherness
Couples who maintain a healthy balance of time together and apart thrive at 5× the rate of those who are always together. Too much closeness can signal codependence—not connection.
The Roommate Effect
Among couples who said they always feel like roommates rather than romantic partners, 0% had thriving intimacy—and 85% were in the lowest tier. Emotional distance, even under the same roof, is one of the clearest warning signs.
Forgiveness
Couples with low-intimacy sores were 8× more likely to have a partner who holds grudges. Among those with forgiving partners, 46% were thriving. Among those with grudge-holders, just 6% were. This is on the verge of being a toxic behavior.
Stonewalling
When both partners shut down during conflict, only 12% have thriving intimacy—and 52% are in the lowest tier. Occasional withdrawal isn't the problem; failing to return is.
How Do You Build Emotional Intimacy In Your Relationship? Four Ways:
There are many ways to improve emotional intimacy in a relationship, it's a combination of skills, self-reflection, insight and introspection. Here are four options we offer at Oliver Drakeford Therapy
Why Emotional Intimacy Matters in Relationships (Backed by Research & Statistics)
Emotional intimacy is one of the strongest predictors of whether a relationship will thrive or slowly fall apart. Research shows a significant positive correlation between emotional intimacy and relationship satisfaction, with one study finding that emotional intimacy had a stronger effect on marital satisfaction than shared values alone. (Shared Values, Emotional Intimacy, and Marital Satisfaction (2024))
This means that feeling emotionally close to your partner matters more than simply agreeing on things.
Without emotional intimacy, couples often function more like roommates or business partners than true companions. You might share responsibilities, keep the household running, and even get along well day to day. But if you avoid sharing vulnerable feelings or difficult emotions, you miss the deeper connection that keeps relationships strong over time. Compared with couples who maintain emotional closeness, those who lack it are more likely to feel distant, misunderstood, or alone even when they are together.
Research also shows that emotional intimacy protects relationships during hard times. One study of working mothers found that emotional intimacy buffered the negative effects of work-family conflict on marital satisfaction, explaining over 24% of the variance in how satisfied couples felt.[Journal of Family Issues, 2025] In other words, when life gets stressful, emotional closeness helps couples stay connected instead of drifting apart.
Key research findings on emotional intimacy include:
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Higher emotional intimacy is linked to better social functioning, with one study showing a correlation between emotional intimacy and social functioning.[Emotional Intimacy and Social Functioning Correlation (2024).]
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Secure attachment styles lead to higher emotional intimacy, which then improves attitudes toward marriage.[Via Gottman Institute Attachment Styles and Emotional Intimacy (2022).]
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Communication and emotional connection together account for up to 85% of the variability in marital satisfaction.[Model of Marital Satisfaction Components (2022)]
Understanding these findings can help you see why working on emotional closeness is worth the effort, especially if you want a relationship that feels genuinely fulfilling rather than just functional.
Words That Work: An Emotional Intimacy Workbook For Couples
Words That Work is an affordable option to start your journey into understanding how to improve your connection with your partner. Each chapter is a reflection on the words we can use that either block or develop emotional connection, self-reflection questions and an activity to consider applying with your partner. More practically there's a section for each chapter that gives scripts as to what to say instead.
Signs You Are Lacking Emotional Intimacy (Common Symptoms & Patterns)
A lack of emotional intimacy usually shows up as a pattern of avoidance, surface-level conversation, and a persistent feeling of distance even when you spend time together. Research identifies several barriers that create this gap, including attachment insecurity, fear of vulnerability, and negative communication patterns like demand-withdraw dynamics.[1] These patterns often develop slowly, which makes them easy to overlook until the disconnection feels significant.
Many couples mistake comfort for closeness. You might run a household smoothly, share responsibilities, and rarely argue. But if conversations stay focused on logistics—schedules, bills, vacation plans—while deeper feelings go unspoken, the relationship lacks emotional depth. Compared with couples who share vulnerable emotions regularly, those who avoid this kind of sharing often report feeling lonely even when physically together.
The research also shows that avoidance itself becomes a problem. Studies found that both partners' withdrawal behaviors are associated with lower intimacy levels.[2] When one partner pulls away emotionally, the other often responds by either pushing harder or withdrawing as well, creating a cycle that widens the gap over time.
Common signs that emotional intimacy may be lacking include:
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You talk frequently but rarely discuss feelings, fears, or personal struggles.
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Conversations that start about emotions quickly shift to problem-solving or defensiveness.
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One or both partners withdraw physically or to to social media during conflict rather than staying engaged.
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You feel more like roommates or co-managers than emotionally connected partners.
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Sharing something vulnerable feels too risky, so you hold back to protect yourself.
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward changing them, especially if you want to move from surface-level connection toward something deeper and more fulfilling.
If you want guided prompts to help you notice your own patterns and start new conversations, Words That Work: An Emotional Intimacy Workbook offers reflection exercises and scripts designed for exactly this kind of work.
Your Emotional Intimacy Coach and Therapist: Oliver Drakeford LMFT, CGP
Oliver Drakeford is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Group Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, specializing in couples therapy, emotional intimacy, and relationship dynamics. Known for his calm, grounded, and research-informed approach, he helps couples move from disconnection and “roommate mode” into deeper emotional closeness and communication.
Oliver’s work integrates attachment theory, evidence-based relational frameworks, and practical tools that help partners feel understood rather than judged. His team provides weekly couples therapy, online sessions across California, and intensive couples retreats for those wanting rapid change.
Beyond his clinical practice, Oliver is the creator of the C.A.R.E. & Intimacy Quiz and author of Words That Work: An Emotional Intimacy Workbook, both designed to help couples rebuild trust and emotional connection at their own pace.
Emotional Intimacy vs Physical Intimacy:
What’s the Difference?'
Emotional intimacy is the sense of being deeply known and accepted by your partner, while physical intimacy involves closeness through touch and sexual connection. Both contribute to relationship satisfaction, but they develop differently and meet different needs.
Physical intimacy can exist without emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy can exist without physical closeness. Many couples have an active sex life but still experience emotional disconnection. The reverse is also true—some partners share a strong emotional connection but struggle with sexual intimacy. When emotional intimacy is missing, physical touch often feels hollow or routine, even when it happens regularly.
According to the American Psychological Association, emotional intimacy requires "detailed knowledge or deep understanding of each other" and the ability to enter each other's personal space without causing discomfort—a standard that physical closeness alone does not meet.
Key differences between emotional intimacy and physical intimacy include:
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What gets shared. Emotional intimacy involves sharing fears, hopes, and vulnerabilities. Physical intimacy involves sharing bodies and physical affection.
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How safety develops. Emotional connection grows when partners practice active listening and create an emotional safe space. Physical intimacy grows through comfort with touch and presence.
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What breakdown looks like. Emotional disconnection happens through dismissal, criticism, or withdrawal. Physical distance happens through rejection or avoidance of touch.
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How they influence each other. For many couples, emotional intimacy makes sexual intimacy feel more meaningful, while shared experiences of physical closeness can reinforce emotional bonds.
Understanding this difference helps you identify which type of closeness needs attention—and why one may feel lacking even when the other seems fine. Many couples find that addressing emotional disconnection first makes physical closeness easier to rebuild.
If you want to strengthen the emotional side of your relationship through self-guided work, Words That Work: An Emotional Intimacy Workbook offers guided prompts and exercises designed to help partners share more openly and listen more deeply.
How to Build Emotional Intimacy Step-by-Step
Developing emotional intimacy requires learning to share vulnerable feelings in a way your partner can receive without becoming defensive. This is not about having more conversations or hoping closeness happens on its own. It takes deliberate practice and a clear sequence of skills.
The process works because it supports emotional regulation in both partners. Most couples skip straight to explaining or defending themselves, which escalates conflict instead of resolving it. A structured approach prioritizes connection over being right, which is why relationship science consistently points to this kind of communication as a foundation for lasting trust.
Research supports this: a study of 400 married individuals found that emotional intimacy predicted relationship satisfaction more strongly than shared values alone—evidence that how you connect matters more than simply agreeing on things.
Signs of emotional intimacy often emerge when couples follow a framework like this:
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Locate the feeling in your body. Before speaking, notice physical signals like tightness in your chest or a knot in your stomach.
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Name the feeling without a story. Say "I feel anxious" or "I feel sad" without blame or justification attached.
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Wait for your partner to register it. Pause until you sense they have taken in what you shared—not just heard the words.
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Share the context only after connection is established. Once you feel understood on a psychological level, you can explain what prompted the feeling.
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Circle back if the connection breaks. If you notice avoidant behavior or rising tension, return to the core feeling and start again.
This framework helps couples move through conflict resolution more smoothly and build the kind of trust that prevents the same arguments from repeating. It is also a skill set that supports mental health individually, not just relationally.
If you want to try this approach through self-guided work rather than couples therapy, Words That Work: An Emotional Intimacy Workbook provides scripts and exercises that walk you through each step at your own pace.
Words That Work: An Emotional Intimacy Workbook & Journal
Words That Work: An Emotional Intimacy Workbook is a digital, guided workbook for couples who want deeper connection, not just fewer fights. Written by marriage and family therapist Oliver Drakeford, LMFT, CGP, it shows how tiny language shifts can create big relational changes—especially when it comes to emotional intimacy.
To make this practical, every chapter follows the same clear structure:
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The Thing About These Words – a short, clinically grounded unpacking of what’s really happening in these moments between you.
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Instead of These Words, Try… – side-by-side scripts that show how one version of a conversation shuts things down and another opens connection.
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The Words to Reflect On – guided journal prompts so you can notice your own patterns, family rules about emotion, and default phrases.
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The Words for a Conversation – a 10–15 minute exercise you and your partner can try together when you’re calm, not already in a fight.