Why do couples fight over the holidays?

The holidays are supposed to be magical. Twinkling lights, cozy gatherings, quality time with the people you love. So why does it feel like you and your partner are one misplaced ornament away from a full-blown argument?

If you've ever wondered why your relationship seems to hit turbulence right around December, you're not alone. As a couples therapist in Los Angeles, I see this pattern every single year. Couples who communicate beautifully the rest of the year suddenly find themselves snapping at each other over gift lists, travel plans, and whose family gets Christmas morning.

Here's the truth: holiday conflict isn't a sign that your relationship is broken. It's a predictable response to a massive influx of stress that most couples don't see coming.

In this article, I'll break down the three core patterns behind couples conflict during the holidays—patterns drawn from decades of family systems research. More importantly, I'll show you how to spot them in your own relationship and give you practical tools to break the cycle before resentment takes root.

Why Do Couples Fight Over The Holidays? Couples therapist explains why.

What Is "Chronic Anxiety" and Why Does It Matter for Your Relationship?

Before we dive into the holiday patterns, we need to understand a concept from family systems theory that explains why stress impacts relationships the way it does. I'm a family therapist in Los Angeles, so can't help but nerd out over this - sorry.

Dr. Murray Bowen, a pioneering psychiatrist who spent decades observing families and couples, identified something he called chronic anxiety. This isn't the acute anxiety you feel before a job interview or a big presentation. Chronic anxiety is the background hum of life stress that we all carry—often without even realizing it.

Think of chronic anxiety as a baseline level of tension generated by being a complicated human dealing with relationships, responsibilities, and the general messiness of life. Depending on your family of origin and life experiences, some people carry more of it, some carry less. But we all have it.

How Chronic Anxiety Works in Relationships

Here's where it gets interesting for couples: when you enter a relationship, you essentially create a shared pool of chronic anxiety.

Imagine a joint checking account—except instead of money, you're both depositing stress. Life events add to this pool: a new job, an illness, having a baby, a global pandemic. The stress might directly impact only one of you, but because you're in a relationship, it flows into the shared account.

The problem? This pool has a limit. When it overflows, symptoms appear.

These symptoms can look like:

• Physical illness

• Emotional withdrawal

• Depression

• Anxiety and panic attacks

• And yes—increased conflict and irritability

Now here's the key insight: the holidays are a massive injection of chronic anxiety into your relationship's shared pool. Travel logistics, gift shopping, coordinating schedules, managing family dynamics, financial pressure, disrupted routines—it all adds up fast.

When that pool starts to overflow, someone's going to get wet. And that's when the fights begin.

Pattern #1: Christmas Crankiness and Couples Conflict

The first pattern is the most straightforward: when stress overflows, conflict becomes a release valve.

According to Bowen's research, couples really only have about four different ways of handling the stress in their relationship. Conflict is one of the most common. When chronic anxiety builds up, we get defensive, cranky, and irritable. We start fights over things that wouldn't normally bother us.

Why Conflict Actually "Works" (Temporarily)

Here's the counterintuitive part: conflict creates distance. And distance from that overflowing pool of shared anxiety actually feels better—temporarily.

Think about it. After a big fight, there's often a period of cold silence or physical separation. During that time, you're not absorbing your partner's stress. You get a break from the tension.

But here's the trap: you're in a relationship because you care about this person. So eventually, you make up, reconnect, and get close again. Which means you're back in contact with that shared anxiety pool. If nothing has changed and the pool is still overflowing, another fight is inevitable.

This creates a cycle:

1. Stress builds up

2. Fight creates temporary distance

3. Make up and reconnect

4. Stress is still there

5. Repeat

   
   

"Couples fight during the holidays not because they don't love each other—but because their shared capacity for stress has been exceeded."

What You Can Do About It

Acknowledge your limited capacity. The holidays inject extra tension into every relationship. Name it. Talk about it. Give each other grace when you're both running on empty.

Double down on communication skills. When stress is high, poor communication becomes catastrophic. Use "I" statements. Be clear and direct. Avoid the blame game.

If you want practical tools for this, I've created a free 7-Day Relationship Workbook with 52 pages of communication exercises specifically designed for high-stress periods like the holidays.

Pattern #2: Santa's Helper and the Helpless Holiday Maker

This pattern shows up in my private practice constantly, and it's one of the biggest drivers of holiday resentment.

Picture this: One partner is up until 2 AM moving the Elf on the Shelf, stuffing stockings, baking cookies, coordinating travel, and researching the perfect gifts for everyone on the list. The other partner sleeps until 9, takes out the trash, and suggests giving everyone Amazon gift cards because "they don't know what to buy."

Sound familiar?

The Over-Functioning and Under-Functioning Dynamic

In family systems theory, this pattern is called over-functioning and under-functioning. It's the second major way couples handle chronic anxiety—and it's particularly insidious because it doesn't look like conflict on the surface.

The over-functioner absorbs most of the relationship's chronic anxiety. They take on more responsibility, more planning, more doing. On the surface, they're highly productive. They're the ones who call to book therapy appointments, organize the social calendar, pay the bills, and make sure the holidays actually happen.

But the cost is high: periodic burnout, illness, and—most importantly—deep, simmering resentment.

The under-functioner gives up their share of the chronic anxiety to their partner. With less of that "driving" energy, they assume less responsibility. Over time, they might start believing they're not capable, or they adopt a passive role because they know their partner will handle everything anyway.

The Vicious Cycle

Here's the crucial insight: the over-functioner doesn't exist without the under-functioner, and vice versa.

The more the over-functioner takes control, the less the under-functioner does. The less the under-functioner does, the more the over-functioner feels they have to do everything. This confirms the over-functioner's deepest fear: "If I don't do it, nobody else will."

Meanwhile, the under-functioner feels increasingly dismissed, powerless, or incompetent. Why try when their partner doesn't trust them to handle anything?

"The resentment that builds throughout the year comes to a full boil during the holidays—when there's suddenly a million things to do and the imbalance becomes impossible to ignore."

Breaking the Pattern

For the over-functioner: You have to step back. This is incredibly hard because your whole system is wired to prevent disaster. But holding onto all the anxiety keeps both of you stuck.

For the under-functioner: You have to step up. Stop asking for help when you're capable of figuring things out. Push through the discomfort of doing things imperfectly. Resist the urge to hand responsibility back to your partner.

Practical tip for the holidays: Sit down before the chaos starts and explicitly divide responsibilities. Put it in writing: "You are responsible for buying gifts for these people—the thinking, the buying, and the wrapping." Then—and this is critical—the over-functioner has to let it go. No swooping in to supervise, fix, or micromanage.

Pattern #3: The Holiday Hierarchy (Why Family Visits Trigger Fights)

The third pattern explains why a simple trip to see family can destabilize even the strongest relationships.

Most people think of boundaries as individual things—limits we set around ourselves. But in family systems work, we also think about boundaries around the couple as a unit.

This boundary is like an invisible container that says: "We are a team. We are primary to each other. We have our own shared pool of stress to manage."

Here's the question the holidays force you to answer: How solid is that boundary?

When You Visit Family, You're Entering Multiple Anxiety Systems

When you go home for the holidays, you're not just managing your couple's shared anxiety pool. You're stepping into your family of origin's pool—a system with decades of history, old dynamics, unspoken roles, and buried tensions.

Now you're getting flooded from multiple directions:

• Your couple's anxiety (already elevated because it's the holidays)

• Your family's anxiety (hosting, coordinating, managing their own dynamics)

• Your partner's anxiety (they're a visitor in an unfamiliar system with no map)

The result? Someone is almost certainly going to overflow.

The Disappearing Partner Problem

Here's what often happens: The partner who grew up in the family being visited dissolves back into their old roles. They start responding to family dynamics, laughing at inside jokes their partner doesn't understand, deferring to mom, not checking in anymore.

For the visiting partner, this feels like abandonment. One minute they had a teammate. The next, that person has regressed into being someone's child again. The boundary around the couple has gone soft, and the visiting partner is suddenly alone in a foreign system with no ally.

"When we go home for the holidays, we have a choice: we can get absorbed back into our family's anxiety system, or we can maintain our primary boundary with our partner."

How to Protect Your Couple Boundary

Talk about it before you go. Agree on limits, establish signals for "I need out," and plan for regular check-ins with each other.

The insider partner must take responsibility. You're the one with the map. Check in with your partner regularly. Don't abandon them to navigate your family alone.

Set boundaries with family when needed. "No, Mom, we're not doing that this year" or "Actually, Dad, this is how we've decided to handle it." The goal isn't to cut anyone off or cause drama—it's to hold onto your sense of self and your primary relationship.

Build in escape valves. Plan a daily walk together. Have a meal just the two of you. Create moments where you reconnect as a couple, separate from the family chaos.

Why Understanding These Patterns Changes Everything

Here's what I want you to take away from all of this: Holiday conflict follows predictable patterns. And patterns can be broken.

When you and your partner fight over the holidays, it's not because you're incompatible. It's not because the magic is gone. It's because a massive influx of stress has overwhelmed your shared capacity to handle it—and you're defaulting to one of a few predictable coping mechanisms.

Once you can name the pattern, you can choose differently.

• Notice when you're picking fights to create distance? Acknowledge the stress and find healthier ways to get space.

• Recognize the over/under-functioning dynamic? Redistribute responsibilities before resentment builds.

• Visiting family and feeling the boundary dissolve? Have the conversation in advance and commit to protecting your couple bond.

"We don't have to be perfect. We just have to be aware. Catching the pattern once today, twice tomorrow—that's how we gradually rewire these dynamics."

How Oliver Drakeford Therapy Can Help

At Oliver Drakeford Therapy, I work with couples throughout Los Angeles and California who are navigating exactly these challenges. Whether you're in the roommate phase, struggling with conflict, or just want to feel closer and more connected, I offer flexible packages designed to fit your needs and schedule.

This time of year, my most popular offering is the emotional intimacy package— an intensive couples therapy package designed for couples who want to bring back that spark and feel genuinely close again. All packages come with affordable payment plans starting at just $50 per week.

If couples therapy isn't right for you yet, I encourage you to:

• Take the free CARE and Intimacy Quiz to see which of the four pillars of relationship success might need attention

• Download the 7-Day Relationship Workbook for 52 pages of practical tools and exercises

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do couples fight more during the holidays?

Couples fight more during the holidays because this season creates a massive influx of stress—travel logistics, gift buying, financial pressure, family dynamics, and disrupted routines all add chronic anxiety to the relationship. When the shared stress exceeds a couple's capacity to handle it, conflict becomes one of the primary ways to release that pressure. Understanding this pattern helps couples give each other grace and address the underlying stress rather than getting stuck in blame.

What is chronic anxiety in relationships?

Chronic anxiety is a concept from family systems theory that describes the background stress we all carry from navigating life's demands and relationships. Unlike acute anxiety (what you feel before a big event), chronic anxiety is an ongoing baseline tension. In relationships, partners essentially share a pool of chronic anxiety—stress from either person's life flows into this shared space. When the pool overflows, symptoms like conflict, withdrawal, or illness emerge.

What is over-functioning and under-functioning in a relationship?

Over-functioning and under-functioning describes a common relationship pattern where one partner takes on the majority of responsibilities (the over-functioner) while the other assumes a more passive role (the under-functioner). The over-functioner absorbs more anxiety and stress, leading to burnout and resentment. The under-functioner gives up their share of responsibility, often feeling dismissed or incompetent. These roles reinforce each other—the more one does, the less the other does—creating a vicious cycle.

How can we stop fighting during family visits?

To reduce conflict during family visits, couples need to protect the boundary around their relationship. Before the visit, discuss expectations, agree on signals for when you need support, and plan regular check-ins as a couple. The partner whose family you're visiting should take responsibility for checking in regularly and not abandoning their partner to navigate the family system alone. Build in escape valves like daily walks or meals together to reconnect separate from family dynamics.

How do I know if my relationship conflict is normal?

Some conflict in relationships is completely normal and can even strengthen your bond when handled well. Healthy conflict involves addressing issues directly, focusing on specific behaviors rather than personal attacks, and working toward understanding rather than "winning." Warning signs include patterns of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling—and conflicts that consistently escalate into personal attacks or result in prolonged withdrawal.

What is family systems theory?

Family systems theory is a framework for understanding relationships developed by Dr. Murray Bowen. It views families (and couples) as emotional systems where each person's behavior affects everyone else. Key concepts include chronic anxiety (shared stress in the system), differentiation of self (maintaining your identity while staying connected), and patterns like over/under-functioning. This theory helps explain why relationship problems are rarely about one "bad" partner—they're about patterns both people participate in.

When should couples seek therapy for holiday conflict?

Consider seeking couples therapy if your holiday conflicts follow the same destructive patterns year after year, if resentment is building between you, if you're stuck in the "roommate phase" and feel emotionally disconnected, or if conflict regularly escalates to personal attacks or prolonged withdrawal. Many couples wait an average of six years before seeking help—but earlier intervention makes patterns much easier to change. A couples therapist like those at Oliver Drakeford Therapy can help you identify patterns, build communication skills, and restore emotional intimacy.

Can holiday stress permanently damage a relationship?

Holiday stress itself won't permanently damage a healthy relationship—but the patterns it triggers can cause lasting harm if left unaddressed. Repeated cycles of conflict, resentment from over/under-functioning imbalances, or boundary violations during family visits can erode trust and intimacy over time. The good news is that these patterns are changeable. With awareness and intentional effort—or support from a couples therapist—most couples can break destructive patterns and actually strengthen their relationship through navigating stress together.