What Are Bids for Connection? The Small Moments That Make or Break Your Relationship

Think about the last time you did something really big for your partner. Maybe it was a surprise vacation, an anniversary dinner at their favorite restaurant, or flowers for no reason.

Now think about an average Tuesday evening. You're doing the dishes after dinner. Did you look up when your partner walked into the room? Did you respond when they made a comment about the food? Did you put your phone down when they started talking?

Here's what I've learned after a decade of working with couples as a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles: relationships don't live or die based on grand gestures. They live or die in the ordinary, forgettable moments that happen dozens of times a day. And most couples have no idea this is even happening.

At Oliver Drakeford Therapy, we love couples therapy I help couples build stronger, more connected relationships. Today, I want to introduce you to a concept that might be the most important thing you ever learn about your relationship: bids for connection.

Honestly? I wish someone had explained this to me years ago. We learn algebra in school. We memorize the periodic table. But somehow, no one ever sits us down and says, "Here's a fundamental concept that determines whether your relationships thrive or fall apart."

Let's change that.

What Is a Bid for Connection?

A bid for connection is any attempt—verbal or non-verbal—to get attention, affection, empathy, or connection from your partner.

This includes the obvious ones:

• "I love you"

• "I need to talk about something important"

• Reaching for your partner's hand

But it also includes things that don't look like connection attempts at all:

• "Oh look, it's sunny outside"

• "Can we not cook tonight?"

• A smile across the room

• Making a silly face at your partner while brushing your teeth

• Sending them a meme

• A sigh after a long day

On the surface, "Can we not cook tonight?" sounds like a logistical question about dinner. But underneath, it's also an attempt to connect. What your partner might really be saying is: "I've had an exhausting day. I need some relief. I need to feel loved."

This is why bids are so easy to miss—they're disguised as ordinary comments. Your partner isn't going to announce, "I am now making a bid for connection. Please respond accordingly." They're going to sigh, send you a funny video, or say "wow, look at that bird."

And underneath all of it, they're asking: Are we okay? Do you still like me? Am I safe with you?

Why Do Bids for Connection Matter So Much?

This isn't just theory from a therapy couch. The concept comes from Dr. John Gottman, one of the most respected relationship researchers in the world.

Gottman studied a group of newlyweds and followed up with them six years later. He wanted to know: what separates the couples who are thriving from the ones who divorced or became miserable?

Here's what he found:

• Couples who were still happy and connected turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time.

• Couples who had divorced or were struggling? Only 33%.

Let that sink in. The difference between a happy marriage and a failed one often comes down to how you respond to "look, it's sunny outside." Not the vacations. Not the jewelry. The tiny, mundane, easy-to-miss moments.

We make bids constantly, by the way—not just with romantic partners, but with everyone. Friends, family, coworkers. It's human nature. We're always subtly checking: Is this relationship okay? Are you still with me?

The answer your partner gets—based on how you respond—shapes everything.

How Do People Respond to Bids? The Three Responses

Gottman identified three ways people respond to bids for connection. As you read these, think honestly about which one shows up most in your relationship.

1. Turning Toward (The Goal)

Turning toward means responding positively to the bid. And here's the good news: it doesn't have to be elaborate.

A nod. A smile. An "mm-hmm" with actual eye contact. Looking up from your phone for two seconds. Laughing at the silly face.

That's it. That's enough to say: I see you. I hear you. We're good.

Here's what happens underneath: when your partner gets that positive response, their nervous system relaxes. They feel safe. They can settle. And when we feel safe and settled with someone, we show up as our best selves—more patient, more generous, more open. The small moment creates the conditions for everything else.

2. Turning Away (The Silent Killer)

Turning away means ignoring the bid. You're deep in your phone, lost in Instagram or the news, and your partner says something and you go "uh-huh" without really hearing them. Or you just don't respond at all.

Doing this once isn't a disaster. But here's what happens over time: your partner starts to think, why would I even try? I'm just met with silence. They stop reaching. And slowly, without either of you noticing, distance creeps in.

It's not just distance—it's resentment. Each missed bid plants a tiny seed. Over months and years, those seeds grow into a negative perspective of the whole relationship. Suddenly, everything your partner does gets filtered through that lens. They're not just distracted—they don't care. They're not just busy—they never prioritize me.

This is how couples end up feeling like roommates. Not because of one big betrayal, but because of a thousand small moments where no one showed up.

3. Turning Against (The Most Damaging)

Turning against is when your partner reaches out and you respond with irritation or hostility:

• "Why are you bothering me right now?"

• "Can you not see I'm busy?"

• "I don't want to talk."

Even if it feels small in the moment, it sends a clear message: I don't want to connect with you. Do that enough times, and your partner will stop trying altogether. Why would they keep reaching for someone who keeps slapping their hand away?

The Emotional Bank Account: A Helpful Way to Think About Bids

Here's an analogy that helps many of my clients at Oliver Drakeford Therapy understand why these small moments matter so much.

Imagine your relationship has a bank account—an emotional bank account. Every time you turn toward a bid, you're making a small deposit. Maybe it's just a few dollars. Maybe it's pocket change. But it goes in.

When you have a fight, when there's stress, when someone makes a mistake—that's a withdrawal. And here's the problem: withdrawals tend to feel a lot bigger than deposits.

So you need a lot of deposits to stay in the black. You need that cushion. Because when conflict hits—and it will—you're going to need something in that account to draw from.

Couples who are struggling? Their account is overdrawn. There's nothing left. So when even a small conflict happens, it feels catastrophic. There's no goodwill to absorb the hit.

How Can You Get Better at Recognizing and Responding to Bids?

I'll be honest: this is harder than it sounds.

Bids are subtle. They come fast and frequent throughout the day. You have to train yourself to hear them for what they really are: I want to connect with you right now.

I call this "sensitizing" yourself to bids. It's a skill. And like any skill, it takes practice. But once you start seeing them, you can't unsee them. You'll notice how often your partner is reaching for you—and how often you might be missing it.

Here are some practical ways to start:

• Put your phone down during transitions. When your partner walks in the door, when you sit down for a meal, when you're getting ready for bed—these are prime bid moments.

• Make eye contact. Even brief eye contact signals "I'm here with you."

• Respond verbally, even briefly. A simple "oh yeah?" or "tell me more" keeps the connection open.

• Notice the non-verbal bids. A sigh, a touch, a look across the room—these count too.

Do You Have to Be Perfect at This?

Here's the part I really want you to hear, because I don't want you walking away feeling like you have to get this right 100% of the time.

You don't.

Even the happiest couples in Gottman's research only turned toward each other 86% of the time. That's a B+, not an A+. You're allowed to miss some. You're allowed to be distracted sometimes. You're allowed to be human.

The goal isn't perfection. The goal is awareness.

Start noticing. Start catching yourself. And when you do miss a bid—or worse, turn against one—repair it. Say, "Hey, I'm sorry. I wasn't present. Tell me again."

Be kind to yourself as you learn this. Be kind to your partner too. Neither of you were taught this stuff. You're both figuring it out.

Repair is always possible.

Why You Shouldn't Wait to Work on This

What I see too often in my practice is couples who wait five, seven, ten years before they address this stuff. By then, the emotional bank account is so overdrawn, there's so much resentment built up, it's a much harder climb.

Don't wait. Start paying attention to the small moments today.

If you want to see where you and your partner stand when it comes to emotional connection, I created the CARE and Intimacy Quiz—it's free, takes just a few minutes, and shows you which of the four pillars of relationship success are thriving and which might need attention.

And if you're in the Los Angeles area and want personalized support, Oliver Drakeford Therapy specializes in helping couples strengthen their connection and build relationships that last.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is a bid for connection in a relationship?

A bid for connection is any attempt—verbal or non-verbal—to get attention, affection, empathy, or connection from your partner. Bids can be as obvious as saying "I love you" or as subtle as a sigh, a shared meme, or a comment like "look, it's sunny outside." They're how we constantly check in with each other to see if the relationship is okay.

Why are bids for connection important?

Research by Dr. John Gottman found that couples who stayed happy turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time, while couples who divorced only did so 33% of the time. This means responding positively to small, everyday bids is one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship success—more important than grand gestures or big romantic moments.

What does "turning toward" a bid mean?

Turning toward a bid means responding positively when your partner reaches out for connection. It doesn't have to be elaborate—a nod, a smile, brief eye contact, or a simple "mm-hmm" is often enough. The key is acknowledging your partner and signaling that you see them and you're present.

What happens when you ignore bids for connection?

When you consistently ignore or "turn away" from bids, your partner may start to feel invisible and stop reaching out. Over time, this creates emotional distance and resentment. Many couples end up feeling like roommates—not because of a major betrayal, but because of thousands of small missed moments.

What is turning against a bid for connection?

Turning against is the most damaging response. It's when your partner reaches out and you respond with irritation or hostility—saying things like "Why are you bothering me?" or "Can't you see I'm busy?" Repeated turning against teaches your partner that connection attempts will be met with rejection, causing them to stop trying.

How can I get better at noticing bids for connection?

Start by putting your phone down during key moments like meals and transitions. Practice making eye contact and responding verbally, even briefly. Pay attention to non-verbal bids like sighs, touches, or looks. With practice, you'll become "sensitized" to bids and notice them more naturally.

Do I have to respond to every bid perfectly?

No. Even the happiest couples in research only responded positively to bids 86% of the time. You're allowed to miss some and be human. What matters is awareness and repair—when you notice you've missed a bid, circle back and say something like, "I'm sorry, I wasn't present. Tell me again."

How can Oliver Drakeford Therapy help with connection issues?

Oliver Drakeford Therapy, based in Los Angeles, specializes in couples therapy using evidence-based approaches like the Gottman Method. If you and your partner are struggling with emotional distance, communication, or feeling like roommates, working with a trained therapist can help you rebuild connection and learn skills like recognizing and responding to bids.