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The Best Relationship Check In Questions to Stop Resentment Before It Starts
- Oliver Drakeford LMFT, CGP
- 1 day ago
- 7 min read
If you want a simple, research-backed way to prevent small frustrations from turning into long-term resentment, start using relationship check in questions.
After a decade of working with couples, I can say this with certainty: resentment is the silent relationship killer. It hides, multiplies, and eventually makes one or both partners feel disconnected. The antidote is structure — a 10–15 minute ritual built around relationship check in questions that helps you both stay emotionally current.
If we've not met, I'm Oliver - I'm a Marriage and Family Therapist in Los Angeles with an unhealthy habit of making youtube videos. This video contains a walk-through of the relationship check in questions:
Why Relationship Check In Questions Matter (and How They Save Love)
Most romantic relationships don’t fail because of big betrayals — they fail because of tiny, unspoken hurts that build up over time. Relationship check in questions create a consistent, safe space for expressing those small feelings before they turn toxic.
They’re not therapy — they’re maintenance. Just as you wouldn’t wait for your car to break down before changing the oil, you shouldn’t wait for a major fight before asking:
“How are we doing — really?”
A regular weekly or even monthly check-in can make connection predictable, not accidental.
Ground Rules for a Successful Relationship Check In
Before asking the questions, set a few ritual rules that create safety and predictability:
Speaker and Listener — one person talks, one listens. No interruptions.
Use Feeling Words — “I feel sad,” not “I feel like you don’t care.”
Ask, Don’t Assume — clarify before reacting.
Following these rules makes your check-in a place where vulnerability feels rewarding, not risky.
Having great communication skills is ESSENTIAL for this to work properly - if you want some of my top couples relationship communication or general healthy relationship worksheets, download the free 52 page PDF here:
How to Run a Relationship Check In (Step-by-Step)
Ritual builds trust. Choose a consistent spot, maybe light a candle or take a deep breath together — whatever signals “this is our time.”Start with connection, then gratitude, then the core relationship check in questions.
The Ground Rules
This is an excellent tool for relationship maintenance, but only if you're using all your best communication skills, active listening, open-ended questions. But a basic, and obvious version is - the listener doesn't interrupt the speaker!
The PDF you can download with these questions in has some tips on these.
Warm-Up
Ask: “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in the relationship?”
My favorite warm-up question is annoyingly effective: Both partners answer aloud. The healthy answer is "I want to be in the relationship" obviously.
Actively making this choice shifts you away from power struggles and toward curiosity. It does not mean admitting you were wrong; it means that being right is not more important than the connection. Use that question to catch yourself if you’re falling into blame mode.
1 Gratitude
Ask: “What I really appreciate about you today is…”
This primes the brain for empathy and safety.
Start the check-in with gratitude.
Say something specific you appreciated in the last week. For example: What I really appreciate about you today is you made dinner when I came home late. Say one or two things. This primes the brain for positive reciprocity, reduces defensiveness, and reminds you both of what is working.
2 Accountability check
Ask: "Last week I said I would X. I tried to do that by Y. Did you notice a difference? What else would help?"
If the listener says nothing changed, respond with curiosity: What got in the way? Do you think I forgot, or did I do it in a way that did not land for you?
3 Resentment check
Ask: "Is there anything I did or did not do this week or in the past that is still sitting with you? If so, tell me what happened and how it felt for you."
When your partner speaks, use your active listening skills and reflect what you heard: It sounds like you felt ignored when I did X. Is that right? Then ask: What would have made it better?
This is a preemptive strike in the realm of conflict resolution and as you'll see in the video, I suggest that a weekly relationship check-in goes a long way to secure that emotional bond, lower resentment and prevent small things becoming more serious relationship problems.
4 Pattern check
Ask: "I notice that we often do Y when we are tired. What pattern are you noticing? How does it start and what makes it escalate?"
Examples of patterns: withdrawing, stonewalling, passive aggression, over-functioning, scheduling conflicts, boundary breaches. Naming a pattern defuses blame and opens problem-solving.
5 Feedback and compromise
Ask: "What's one thing I can do differently. What would help you this week? "
This is what you'll circle back to next week when you do the accountability check
6 Future planning
Ask "What's something you're looking forward to this week / in the future?"
This question is all about a reminder to think about shared goals and mutual growth, something that The Gottman Institute has researched extensively and can greatly improve relationship satisfaction and emotional connection. It helps you refocus on relationship as well as personal goals.
The Nine Relationship Check In Questions
Warm-up: Do you want to be right or in the relationship?
Gratitude: What I appreciate about you today is…
Present Feelings: What are you feeling right now?
Anxiety Level: How calm or anxious do you feel (1–10)?
Accountability: How did we each do on what we agreed to last week?
Resentment Check: Is there anything you’re still holding onto?
Pattern Awareness: What old pattern are we repeating?
Feedback and Compromise: What could I do differently next time?
Future Planning: What’s coming up this week where we can support each other?
Use these questions weekly or daily. Even five minutes counts.
Example Scripts for Each Relationship Check In Question
Resentment Check Script: “Is there anything I did or didn’t do this week that still feels unresolved?”
Accountability Script: “Last week I said I’d help more with dinner. Did you notice a change?”
Pattern Check Script: “I noticed we avoid tough topics when we’re tired. Do you see that too?”
Using shared scripts builds predictability and reduces emotional reactivity.
Handling common obstacles when using relationship check in questions
Even the best check-in fails if one partner refuses to participate or consistently becomes defensive. Here are common obstacles and what I recommend.
One partner resists the ritual: Explain why it matters. Start with five minutes. If they still resist, invite them to a single practice check-in with a neutral topic (like planning a weekend) to demonstrate how quick and useful it can be.
Meetings turn into therapy sessions: If deep grievances arise that need more exploration, agree to note them and schedule a longer time for them. The weekly check-in is meant to prevent escalation, not to replace therapy when needed.
Conversations become accusatory: Pause and reset to the speaker/listener rule. If necessary, take a 20 minute break and come back with a defined step: each person summarizes the other's perspective before moving on.
One partner always apologizes but nothing changes: Use the accountability question to define tangible behavior changes. Apologies without follow-through create frustration. Define a specific action and a timeline.
Why the format works: science and clinical experience
There are three reasons this structure is effective. First, it catches problems early. The resentment check keeps small hurts from accumulating. Second, it increases emotional intelligence. Naming feelings and anxiety levels builds vocabulary that reduces misinterpretation. Third, it creates clear accountability. The weekly review of promises helps people build trust through consistent actions
How often should you use the relationship check in questions?
Daily is ideal if you have the discipline: even five minutes a day reduces the pressure on the weekly meeting, and you don't have to do all of them every day.
If daily is unrealistic, do a 10 to 15 minute meeting once a week. If even weekly feels impossible, commit to two scheduled check-ins per month. The key is consistency. Resentment grows in the absence of predictable connection.
When the process fails: red flags and next steps
If one partner refuses to ever participate, or if check-ins consistently lead to the same unresolved fights, these are red flags. It may signal power imbalances, avoidance of intimacy, or deeper issues that benefit from professional help. If you see these signs, consider bringing in a couples therapist to help you reestablish safe communication patterns.
Relationship Check-In Short Scripts
If you want to try this now, try this 10-minute script as written. It will take you step by step.
Warm-up: Hug and ask each other, Do you want to be right or in the relationship? Each answer: I want to be in the relationship.
Gratitude: Each person shares one specific thing they appreciated this week.
Present check-in: Each person answers, Right now I feel _____ and my anxiety is a ____ out of 10.
Accountability: If we agreed to anything last time, report on one small change and ask your partner if they noticed it.
Resentment check: Ask, Is there anything unresolved you want to bring up? If yes, speak for five minutes while the other reflects back what they heard.
Pattern and planning: Name one pattern and agree on one practical step for the week. Share what each of you needs from the other this week.
Close: Finish with one quick expression of appreciation or a nonverbal gesture.
FAQ: Relationship Check In Questions
What are relationship check in questions?
They’re structured prompts couples use to maintain connection and prevent resentment.
How long should a check-in last?
10–15 minutes weekly or 5 minutes daily.
Can this replace couples therapy?
No — it’s a preventive tool, not a cure for deep relational wounds.
What if one person apologizes but never changes?
Pair every apology with one concrete behavioral change and a follow-up next week.
How long should a relationship check in meeting be?
A typical meeting is 10 to 15 minutes for a weekly check-in. Daily check-ins can be shorter, five minutes is better than nothing. If a topic needs more time, schedule a longer conversation separately so the check-in does not become a fight.
What if my partner refuses to do the check-in?
Start small: ask for a five minute practice focused only on planning a weekend. Show how quick and useful it is. If refusal continues, that resistance is itself information about the relationship and often indicates underlying issues that may benefit from professional
Can this replace couples therapy?
No. This is a preventive practice that helps most couples stay connected and avoid resentment. It does not replace therapy for couples with significant trauma, abuse, or chronic relational patterns that need deeper work.
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