couples communication skills: Listening to learn

We need to talk couples communication skills - an in particular - listening. I talk about two completely different types of listening—because most of us are doing the wrong one. It's one of the first things I look for as a couples therapist in los angeles

Listening to Lecture: Why You're Probably Doing It Wrong

When someone is talking to you and you're not paying attention—doing the dishes, scrolling your phone, mentally elsewhere—you're obviously not listening. We all know that.

But here's what most people don't realize: Listening to Lecture is just a sneakier version of the same problem.

You might not be visibly distracted. You might be making eye contact, nodding along, looking engaged. But inside? You're mentally preparing your response. That witty anecdote. Your counterargument. The advice you're dying to give. Those suggestions that would obviously solve everything.

You're listening, sure—but you're really just waiting for your turn to say what you've been thinking about.

And with all that mental chatter going on in your head? You may as well be on your phone or doing the dishes. The effect is the same: you're not actually hearing them.

Listening to Learn: The Exhausting Truth about couples communication skills

Listening to Learn is exhausting. It's hard work.

As a therapist, I do this all day, and it's shockingly draining. It means shoving all those thoughts and mental rebuttals to one side to truly focus on what's being said. Not what you think about what's being said. Not how you're going to respond. Just... what's actually being said.

I sometimes tell couples: "Imagine there's going to be an exam on this conversation. Imagine I'm going to test you on what your partner just said."

The shift is immediate. Suddenly, it requires a completely different level of mental alertness.

Read more about the impact of listening on your relationship here

The Real Objective

The goal of Listening to Learn isn't to prepare your defense or craft your response. It's to gain a true and thorough understanding of the speaker's perspective.

Even if it differs from your own. Even if you think they're wrong. Even if you know they're wrong. Even if you flat-out disagree.

The PEAR Framework: Four Steps to Transform Your Listening

1. PARAPHRASING — Reformulating the speaker's message in your own words

This technique checks your comprehension of the conversation, enabling you to convey your grasp of the speaker's message.

It provides the speaker an opportunity to reflect on their own words, offering them clarity and the assurance that you are engaged and attempting to understand their perspective. It also motivates the speaker to continue the dialogue.

2. EXPLANATION — Being curious to get additional details

"This step moves you from passive reception to active exploration, showing genuine interest through thoughtful questions like 'Tell me more about that' or 'What happened next?' It signals that you're not just waiting for your turn to talk — you're invested in fully understanding their experience.

By seeking deeper context, you help the speaker feel valued while uncovering the layers of meaning beneath their initial words."

3. ACKNOWLEDGING — Recognizing and affirming the speaker's feelings and content

This validates both what they're saying and how they're feeling about it, using responses like 'That must have been frustrating' or 'I can see why that would matter to you.' It creates emotional safety by showing you're not judging or dismissing their experience, even if you might have handled things differently.

When people feel acknowledged, their defensive walls come down and authentic connection becomes possible.

4. REFLECTING — Mirroring back the deeper emotions and meanings you observe

This goes beyond surface words to capture what's unspoken — the fears, hopes, or needs hiding beneath their story. You might say, 'It sounds like you're not just angry about what happened, but hurt that they didn't consider your feelings.' By reflecting these deeper layers, you help the speaker understand themselves better while demonstrating that you're truly attuned to their inner world, not just their words.