I've been a therapist for nearly a decade, helping countless couples, parents, and families navigate their most challenging relationship moments.
For some couples, communication has broken down; others find that intimacy is now a distant memory, and many seem to be caught in a cycle of constant arguing, where any spark of joy has been replaced by constant conflict.
While every couple is unique, I've noticed that many of the couples I see are stuck in various different relationship patterns. You're not alone in this, and understanding these patterns can be the first step towards a healthier relationship.
These are patterns that, with a little insight and a bit of effort, can completely shift their perspective and help bring their relationship back to life.
I've been compiling some of the more common relationship patterns that I encounter and distilling them into a series of Relationship Life Lessons—or the best advice for new couples, or really, any relationship. These are practical tips that you can apply in your daily life.
If we've not met, I'm Oliver, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. I love helping people grow great relationships.
If you like any of the tips in this video, you might want to download the 7-Day Relationship Rescue Workbook I created
For more on couples counseling and online couples therapy, and how i work - click here.
Relationship Life Lesson #1 - Stop Trying to Change Your Partner
Do you ever wish you could just tweak a few things about your partner,
A bad habit here,
A nudge towards a different way of dressing?
And with a couple of those tweaks, would everything be perfect?
Here's the hard truth: trying to change your partner is like trying to build a Lego castle without instructions.
It's exhausting and frustrating, and it never turns out like the picture on the box.
The Zones Of Control
Instead of focusing on what your partner should be doing differently, which is not in your zone of control
You could focus on your zone of influence, adjusting your attitudes and reactions, or creating a safe, supportive relationship that values feedback and honesty.
The only thing that's totally in your zone control of control is how you interact with them -
So focus on improving your communication; using 'I' statements, you can express more gratitude regularly, and suggest rituals of connection and togetherness, which all build a terrific relationship.
Real change in your partner has to come from within them, because they WANT To change, not because of the pressure you're exerting on them.
Acceptance is key. Love them for who they are, and focus on being the best version of yourself. That's where real relationship change begins.
One of the chapters in the seven-day relationship workbook is all about how to use 'i' statements if you're not sure what they are,
The Illusion of Control
In many relationships, people fall into the trap of believing they can change their partner. This might start with small things—wishing they would dress differently, hoping they’d pick up a hobby that aligns more with your interests, or expecting them to change their communication style.
However, these small wishes often escalate into more significant expectations, leading to tension and disappointment when the other person doesn't conform. These are classic relationship issues that many couples face, sometimes bringing them to the point where they seek out marriage counseling or online couples therapy.
The desire to change someone often stems from a place of control. It’s human nature to want to mold our surroundings, including the people in our lives, into something that fits our ideal. But relationships, especially healthy relationships, are not about control; they are about connection.
The more you try to control or change someone, the more likely you are to drive a wedge between you and your partner. This dynamic can turn a committed relationship into an unhealthy relationship, and recognizing this is key to avoiding common relationship problems.
Take, for example, a couple where one partner is passionate about a hobby that the other doesn’t share. Perhaps one partner loves spending weekends watching sports, while the other would prefer to engage in outdoor activities.
If the non-sports-loving partner tries to force a change—criticizing the time spent watching games, making sarcastic remarks, or even outright banning the activity—it doesn’t lead to a positive outcome. Instead, it creates resentment and a sense of being misunderstood or undervalued, which are warning signs of deeper relationship problems.
One of the hardest lessons to learn in any romantic relationship is the realization that you cannot change another person. No matter how much you might want to, the truth is that change has to come from within the individual.
Attempting to force or manipulate change can lead to frustration, resentment, and ultimately, a breakdown in the relationship. This is a common issue that many couples face, often requiring relationship advice or even couples counseling to navigate effectively.
Relationship Advice #2: Effective Listening—Catch, Don’t Ping-Pong
This is the first and most important thing I have to explain to new couples in my private practice after I've gotten to know them or seen how they talk to each other.
Most couples that come to see me have conversations that are more like a game of table tennis. One person talking has the ball, and while the other is partially listening, they're spending most of their brain cells trying to anticipate where it will land and how they will respond.
They're coming up with the witty response or the anecdotal story they have about whatever the topic is.
This is what we call listening to respond, and it's a surefire way to miss the point entirely.
The person speaking usually always has the sense that they're not being fully heard, so the conversation becomes more tense, there's a greater chance of miscommunication, and ultimately,
over time, there's an increasing amount of disconnection in the relationship
One of the most significant relationship life lessons I can give you now is to explain how to listen to learn.
Listening to learn is like playing catch—where your goal is to receive, not react.
Listening actively means you're not just waiting for your turn to speak. Instead, you're genuinely catching what your partner is saying, understanding it, and responding thoughtfully.
When you approach the conversation like a game of catch, you're focused on making sure you fully understand your partner's perspective before responding.
You're so focused on where the ball is going to land and aligning yourself with the words being spoken that you're not really thinking about your reply—you're just trying to understand the other person.
This approach is often the difference between a relationship that's just surviving and one that's truly thriving.
So, the next time you're in a conversation, ask yourself: Am I playing catch, or am I playing ping-pong?
Bottom line? Be the partner who plays catch. It's not about winning the argument but building a stronger, more connected relationship.
There's a whole section on Active Listening in the 7-Day Relationship Workbook PDF if you want to know more
Relationship Life Lesson #3: Love the Person, Not the Plan
Are you in love with who your partner could be rather than who they actually are?
Here's the thing—staying in a relationship based on what you imagine they might become is a recipe for frustration and disappointment.
It's like having a blueprint of your ideal partner pinned to your wall and being in love with that poster instead of the person standing right in front of you.
Sure, people can grow and change and may evolve into what you're hoping for.
But banking on someone becoming your ideal version of them is setting yourself up for unrealistic expectations and a lot of dissatisfaction.
Plus, your partner is going to feel that something is missing in your relationship—and that something is your love for who they are right now.
They'll eventually sense that they can't meet your expectations because those only exist in your mind's blueprint.
You need to assess whether you're compatible with who your partner is in the present—not who you hope they'll turn into someday.
If you constantly wish they'd change, it might be a sign that the relationship might not meet your needs.
Healthy relationships are built on mutual acceptance and appreciation for each other as you indeed are today, not on some imagined future version.
Bottom line? Love them for who they are, not who they might become. The present is where genuine relationships.
Relationship Tip #4: Manage Your Own Emotions For A Healthy Relationship.
People have a common misbelief that we should always feel good in relationships.
When they don't, they think something external needs fixing to restore that sense of comfort.
But if the problem is outside of us and not within, you can see how that might quickly lead to the blame game.
So if we're feeling angry because our partner is late, then the logical conclusion is that I would feel better if they were just never late.
So I can try all the tactics I have to ensure they're not late: beg, plead, threaten, bribe, coerce, and micromanage.
I can tell them how it makes me feel when they're late using my I statements -
And that can sometimes be effective, but what if your partner is fundamentally different and has a different need to be on time than you?
This is where managing your own emotions comes in. Sometimes, we need to take a step back and ask ourselves,
"Why does this bother me so much?" Is it really about them being late, or is it tapping into something more profound—like a fear of being unimportant or unheard?
Self-reflection is the first step toward managing your own emotions, and it can go a long way in preventing arguments before they even start
. If you find yourself getting increasingly upset as the minutes tick by, letting yourself spiral into anger only does a disservice to you and your relationship.
Instead, consider what's really at the core of your feelings.
Can you reframe the situation or adjust your expectations?
Managing your emotions doesn't mean ignoring them; it means understanding them, owning them, and finding healthier ways to deal with them.
Bottom line? Focus on managing your own emotions instead of expecting your partner to fix them.
Understand what's bothering you, adjust your expectations, and you'll keep conflicts at bay while fostering a more balanced, respectful relationship.
4.2 Bonus - Tip here
In relationships, feelings can sometimes get tangled as a couple grows closer.
Part of what I do in therapy is help couples untangle those emotions, separating out who's responsible for what feelings and who needs to regulate them.
Taking full responsibility for your partner's emotions can lead to codependency and unhealthy dynamics.
Respecting your partner's feelings, listening empathetically, and offering support are all wonderful, but trying to "fix" their emotions is a no-go.
An extreme example of this is an enabler in a relationship with an alcoholic who makes excuses for their behavior or tidies up the mess after a binge.
By doing so, the enabler prevents their partner from facing the natural consequences of their actions.
And let's flip that upside down—expecting your partner to manage your emotions is also a no-go.
Just as you can't fix their feelings, they can't fix yours. Healthy relationships are built on mutual emotional responsibility.
Relationship Tip #5: Avoid Relationship Problems And Stop The Blame Game
The Blame Game is not the fun, friendly couples activity you want to play on a Friday night, or any night.
And let's be honest, we've all played it once or twice, and know how it goes:
"You forgot to take the trash out."
"Well, you forgot to buy milk."
"I'm the forgetful one? You don't even remember my birthday."
"BIRTHDAYS? You want to talk about that disaster of a birthday you planned."
Mature and healthy relationships involve and require each partner to be responsible and accountable.
So if I forget to take the trash out, I'll own it. 'You're right, I did; I am so sorry; I'll set a reminder next time and won't let it happen again"
It's painful to do that because nobody likes being accused of doing something wrong and admitting their faults, so our instinct is to retaliate and push back.
If you're in a pattern of conflict with your partner, try agreeing - It's disarming to override that instinct to retaliate and say you're right; I can see why you're annoyed.
It is where the real emotional maturity comes in—owning your actions, even when it's uncomfortable, but builds trust and respect and can completely change a relationship dynamic
When you're accountable like this, you show your partner that you're committed to growth and to making things work and set the tone that the problem is the problem, not your partner.
It's not about avoiding blame; it's about owning your role in your relationship -
And if it's your partner who forgot to take the trash out, you have to use your 'i' statements, which can lower defensiveness.
So rather than 'I cannot believe you forgot to take the trash out', you say 'Darling, I'm frustrated with you because I asked you to take the trash out, and now the kitchen smells; I need you to please set a reminder next week'
When people focus on their own growth and accountability, they create a relationship built on trust, mutual respect, and understanding.
Bottom line? No one wins the Blame Game, but when each of you owns your part, you can watch your relationship level up
Relationship Advice #6: Embrace Vulnerability for Deeper Connections and Healthy Relationships.
Think of emotional intimacy like a layered cake—at the surface, it's small talk, how's the weather, and what's on Netflix. It's okay, but it's all surface talk.
But as you dig deeper, that's where the natural richness and complexity come out.
The same goes for vulnerability in relationships.
Let's be honest—vulnerability gets a bad rap because it's often seen as a weakness.
But here's the twist: being vulnerable is a strength in relationships.
I've seen too many couples in my private practice who have stopped talking about their feelings and sharing their fears, hopes, and dreams for the future.
My job in those situations is to get the forks out and have them dig deeper into emotional intimacy.
When they start talking about their feelings and not the weather, it often creates a space for deeper, more authentic connections.
If you're with someone you love, why wouldn't you want to share those most delicious deep hidden layers of your feelings with them?
The bad news is that it's not just the yummy, warm, rainbow-colored feelings we have to share.
True emotional intimacy means being able to share when you're angry or hurt by your partner, and that's trickier for most of us because anger has this reputation as something we should avoid. After all, it's destructive—but that's not entirely true.
There's a distinction between angry behaviors or actions and anger as a feeling.
And let's be honest, no one likes it when someone's mad at them, so we sometimes protect the ones we're closest to from those feelings.
The bottom line is that every feeling that goes unshared is a missed opportunity to grow closer to your partner.
Free Relationship Advice On How To Create Change in Relationships
Creating positive change in a romantic relationship often requires more than just good intentions; it demands thoughtful strategies grounded in solid relationship advice. Whether you’re facing relationship problems, looking to maintain a healthy relationship, or simply seeking ways to improve your connection, certain principles can be particularly effective. Below, we explore three key principles that can support change in any committed relationship: the use of reinforcers, the role of acceptance, and understanding your role in the relationship.
Use of Reinforcers To Create A Healthy Relationship
One effective way to address relationship challenges is through the use of reinforcers, a concept widely used by relationship experts and marriage counselors. Positive and negative reinforcers can motivate change and encourage healthy behaviors within a relationship.
Positive Reinforcers involve adding something enjoyable to encourage good behavior. For example, if you want to improve communication in your relationship, you might reward your partner with a special date night after a meaningful conversation. This kind of positive reinforcement not only strengthens the bond between partners but also promotes a healthier relationship dynamic. Relationship experts agree that when couples focus on rewarding positive behaviors, they’re more likely to see better outcomes.
Negative Reinforcers involve the removal of something unpleasant to reinforce a behavior. For instance, in an online couples therapy session, you might agree with your partner to remove a specific responsibility, like a household chore, once a mutual goal is achieved. However, caution is essential when using negative reinforcers. They should never turn into tools of control or punishment, as this could lead to an unhealthy relationship dynamic. The aim is to promote positive change, not to make your partner feel insecure or pressured.
Using reinforcers effectively can help you fix things that might be causing tension in your relationship. However, it’s crucial to pay attention to how these tools are applied, ensuring they support a balanced and respectful dynamic.
The Role of Acceptance
In the journey of building a healthy relationship, acceptance plays a critical role. Not all aspects of a romantic relationship need to be changed; sometimes, the best relationship advice is to learn when to accept differences and move forward. This is especially true when dealing with minor relationship issues that don’t necessarily indicate major relationship problems.
Every person in a relationship brings their unique traits, preferences, and habits. While it’s natural to want your partner to change certain behaviors, it’s important to discern whether these changes are truly necessary or if acceptance is the better path. For example, if your partner prefers different leisure activities, rather than trying to change their interests, it might be more beneficial to accept these differences and focus on the many ways you connect on deeper levels.
Acceptance is often a key to avoiding unnecessary conflict and can help you identify warning signs of when you might be focusing too much on trying to change your partner. By practicing acceptance, you create a space where both partners feel safe to be themselves, which is essential for a healthy, committed relationship.
Understanding Your Role To Help Things Change.
Another critical principle is understanding and adjusting the role you play in your relationship. Many couples find themselves stuck in repetitive patterns that don’t serve their relationship well. By recognizing the influence of your actions and being willing to pivot, you can promote positive change.
For instance, in couples counseling, a marriage counselor might suggest that you step back from certain roles or responsibilities to allow your partner the opportunity to step up. This doesn’t mean abandoning your duties; rather, it’s about creating a more balanced dynamic where both partners contribute equally. For example, if you’ve always taken on the task of managing finances because your partner felt insecure about it, you might consider gradually involving them more, giving them a chance to build confidence in this area.
Adjusting your role can also mean changing your approach to conflict. If you’ve been handling disagreements with frustration or criticism, shifting to a more supportive and understanding stance can make a significant difference. This kind of change in behavior can help address deeper relationship issues, allowing for more open communication and better emotional support.
Practical Relationship Advice On Applications of Reinforcers
To illustrate these principles, consider a couple who set a mutual goal of improving their physical health. They might use positive reinforcers, such as planning a special trip once they both reach their fitness goals, to motivate each other. Alternatively, they might agree to remove an unpleasant task as a negative reinforcer if they achieve their objectives.
However, it’s important to emphasize that negative reinforcers should be used carefully to avoid creating a controlling or punitive dynamic. The goal is to support a healthy, equal partnership where both individuals feel respected and valued.
Be Careful Using Negative Reinforcers
While negative reinforcers can be effective, they carry the risk of misuse, potentially leading to an unhealthy relationship. For instance, withholding affection or communication as a form of punishment can cause significant harm and should be avoided. Instead, the focus should be on promoting a balanced and supportive relationship where both partners feel secure and understood.
These principles—using reinforcers, practicing acceptance, and understanding your role—are valuable tools for creating positive change in a relationship. Whether you’re seeking free relationship advice, considering professional help like couples therapy, or simply looking for ways to improve your romantic relationship, these strategies can guide you toward a healthier, more fulfilling connection.
How Can Couples Therapy Help?
Couples therapy is a crucial resource and confidential support for many relationships, especially when partners find themselves at a breaking point or are feeling concerned about their future.
At this critical juncture, paying attention to underlying issues and addressing important relationship questions becomes essential for the health and longevity of the relationship. Therapy provides a structured environment where both partners can express their feelings openly and honestly, helping them to connect on a deeper level. This is particularly important for young adults who may be navigating the complexities of a relationship for the first time but even older or more established couples will benefit from hearing an idea or two from a neutral party.
In couples therapy, the focus is not just on resolving current conflicts but also on building a stronger foundation for the future. By addressing issues in the same way, both partners learn to communicate more effectively and work together towards shared goals. This process helps create a space where both individuals feel safe to express their concerns and hopes for the future.
The idea is to equip couples with the tools they need to handle future challenges with confidence and resilience. Whether it's learning how to better connect or deciding on the next steps in their relationship, couples therapy offers a pathway to a healthier, more fulfilling partnership, ensuring that both partners are supported on the other end of their journey together.
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