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The Six Unmet Needs in a Romantic Relationship

Updated: Feb 15

Our emotional needs matter immensely. Just as unmet physical needs can lead to suffering, unmet emotional needs in a relationship can result in feelings of dissatisfaction, loneliness, and resentment. When these needs are not fulfilled, we may begin to feel unappreciated, unloved, or misunderstood, ultimately creating emotional distance between ourselves and our partner. Over time, this can erode the foundation of the relationship, leading to increased conflicts, decreased intimacy, and potentially causing the connection to break down. Unmet emotional needs can also have far-reaching consequences on our overall well-being, resulting in increased stress, anxiety, and a decline in mental health.


This is a shorter version of an article posted here. To find out more about the six relationship needs we all have, click here


unmet needs in a relationship

The Most Common Needs In A Relationship


Certainty/Comfort

Certainty and comfort represent the need for a predictable environment, a sense of safety in which one feels secure and at ease. It revolves around having stability in life, such as a secure job, a safe home, and reliable relationships. This need for certainty can manifest differently from person to person; some may find security in minimal possessions, while others may require significant wealth to achieve a sense of certainty.


Uncertainty/Variety

Conversely, uncertainty and variety pertain to the need for change, challenges, and new experiences. This spans from simple shifts like trying a new cuisine or hobby to more substantial changes such as relocating to a new city or embarking on a different career path. For example, one might satisfy their need for variety by exploring diverse sports or hobbies or by seeking novel experiences in both personal and professional realms.


Significance

The need for significance revolves around feeling important, unique, and valued in a relationship. Individuals fulfill this need in diverse ways, including excelling in their careers, earning recognition from peers, or even engaging in conflicts (albeit negatively). For instance, someone might derive a sense of significance from excelling in their profession, while a student may seek significance by striving to be at the top of their class.


Love/Connection

The need for love and connection centers on emotional closeness and bonding with others. It can be satisfied through romantic relationships, deep friendships, family ties, or connections within a community or group. For example, a person might experience love and connection by spending quality time with family or by participating in a close-knit community or group.

Growth

Growth represents the need for personal development and self-improvement. It can encompass intellectual, emotional, spiritual, or physical growth. For instance, individuals satisfy their need for growth by acquiring new skills, pursuing higher education, or engaging in spiritual practices. This journey toward self-improvement is integral to their overall sense of fulfillment.

Contribution

Contribution is about giving back and making a positive impact on the lives of others or the world at large. It can be fulfilled through volunteering, philanthropy, helping others, or any form of positive community involvement. For example, someone might volunteer at a local shelter or contribute to a cause they deeply care about, thus fulfilling their need to make a meaningful contribution.

How These Are Missed in Relationships

In healthy relationships, individuals employ various strategies to meet these six fundamental emotional needs. It's essential to recognize that no one person is solely responsible for fulfilling all of their partner's needs. Both individual efforts and contributions from our partners are vital. The approaches to satisfying these needs can vary significantly, and this variance significantly impacts the dynamics of relationships and overall satisfaction.

ComfortOr Certainty

In a relationship, individuals seek to meet their need for certainty and comfort by pursuing stability and predictability. This can manifest as a desire for a reliable partner who provides constant support or as an emphasis on financial security and a stable routine. For example, one person might derive a sense of certainty from clear and consistent communication in their relationship, while another might find it through a partner who ensures financial stability.

Variety

While certainty is rooted in stability, variety is all about change and new experiences. In relationships, this entails seeking novel activities to engage in together, embracing spontaneity, or allowing roles and responsibilities to evolve over time. For instance, one partner might plan surprise dates to inject variety into the relationship, while another might value open conversations that introduce new ideas and perspectives.

IMPORTANCE

Significance in a relationship is about feeling valued and important to one's intimate partner. This need is fulfilled through various means, such as excelling in one's career, earning recognition from peers, or even engaging in conflicts. For example, a person might experience significance by becoming the best in their profession, while another may seek significance by consistently resolving issues in the relationship or by assuming a more dominant role.

AFFECTION/Connection

The need for love and connection is universal, but the ways in which it is achieved can vary greatly. Some individuals feel loved through physical affection, finding fulfillment in hugs and non-sexual physical touch from a caring partner. In contrast, others experience love and connection through deep conversations or shared activities. Verbal affirmations, acts of service, and other expressions of affection are also ways to establish emotional bonds in relationships. Understanding both your own and your partner's preferred love languages can be instrumental in fostering a strong connection.

ADVANCEMENT

Growth in a relationship can be both personal and collective. Some couples find growth through joint activities that challenge them, such as taking classes together or embarking on travel adventures. Others prioritize personal development by pursuing individual hobbies or advancing their careers, sharing their experiences and growth with their partner. Additionally, personal growth can result from honest communication, active listening, and emotional connection within the relationship.

GIVING

Contribution within relationships reflects the desire to make a positive impact beyond oneself, akin to Maslow's Transcendence needs. It involves supporting, giving to, and enriching the life of one's partner or the wider community, surpassing one's immediate needs. This selfless approach to relationships can manifest through volunteering, philanthropy, helping others, or any form of beneficial community engagement.



unmet needs in a relationship


Unhealthily WAYS THIS SHOWS in Relationships

Understanding our basic human needs in relationships is pivotal, but it's equally important to recognize that the pursuit of these needs can go awry, leading to relationship challenges. When approached unhealthily, our attempts to satisfy these needs can foster toxic dynamics that undermine the foundation of our relationships. The key is not just identifying our needs but also ensuring that we fulfill them through balanced and constructive means, ultimately fostering healthy and fulfilling relationships.


In unhealthy scenarios, individuals may seek a false sense of stability by exerting control or dominance over their partners, believing that control will bring predictability to the relationship. Alternatively, they may resort to constant conflict or create drama, as these familiar patterns—though negative—provide a predictable and familiar response from their partner.


In pursuit of variety, individuals may engage in risky behaviors such as infidelity or constant flirting to experience the thrill of the unknown. This can create a sense of excitement but simultaneously damage trust and stability within the relationship.


The pursuit of significance can lead to unhealthy behaviors, such as belittling or demeaning one's partner to feel more powerful or superior. This need may also be met through jealousy or possessiveness, with individuals asserting control over their partner's actions or decisions to bolster their sense of importance.


An unhealthy pursuit of love and connection may manifest as clinginess, emotional dependence, or emotional manipulation. Individuals might resort to playing the victim or using guilt to elicit attention and reassurance from their partner.


When attempting to meet the need for growth in an unhealthy manner, someone may continuously point out their partner's flaws or try to 'fix' them under the guise of assistance. This approach often stems from a sense of superiority rather than genuine support for the partner's personal development.


Meeting the need for contribution unhealthily can manifest as over-giving or constantly sacrificing one's own needs to please their partner. This behavior can evolve into a martyr complex, where individuals neglect their well-being, believing that their excessive giving is indispensable for the relationship's survival.


To read more about unmet needs, click here

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